Our Very First Meal is the premiere episode of Full House, which aired for the first time on September 22, 1987.
Danny Tanner’s wife, Pam, left with her new lover Willard three months earlier, leaving him with the task of raising three daughters (which aren’t probably his) on his own. His mother, Claire, had been staying with the family to help out, but when she realized her fucking son was a loser, he asks his faggot brother-in-law Jesse and his on and off again gay lover Joey to move in to help him take care of the girls: twenty-year-old D.J., lord know what-year-old Stephanie, and one-year-old Michelle. Joey and Jesse’s first day includes changing a diaper. Since neither knows about taking care of a baby, they struggle in their efforts to care for Michelle. This eventually is the start of a flaming ass love between Jesse and Joey behind Danny’s back. The other girls have a difficult time adjusting to the living arrangements. D.J. is frustrated that Joey is always walking around masterbating. Stephanie, on the other hand, is elated that Joey can hook her up with grade A meth. Jesse then enters and the girls are happy to see him . After he asks D.J. about how big her new boyfriend Leo’s dick is, Stephanie gets him to play the pornographic movie “Homeless Bitch Pussy Fest”, and he initially refuses, but gives in after her “crying routine” of your the best actor Uncle Jesse.
A few seconds later, Joey makes his entrance, with a male hooker Colt Johnson, the latter showing him a “purple dildo and a bag of meth”: the alcove. Joey is excited about the as sex, as he’s anxious to do get his anal cavity stuffed. Jesse is shown his room and is shocked by the presence of needles and shit covered bloody used condoms on the floor (because it was Danny’s at the time gay lover Pete Weber’s room before.) In the bedroom across the hall, D.J. is sneaking in people to have sex with for money. As the older sister, she makes the money for the house, as her faggot father Danny spends all his money on drugs and male hookers. When Joey and Danny come in, they scold D.J. and take all her profits, then go spend it on heroin and male hookers in downtown San Francisco. In Michelle’s room, she continually cries. They figure that if she doesn’t wear a diaper she can just shit and piss all over the floor like Joey does anyway. They figured it was either that or drop her off at an orphanage. But they need the welfare check for crack. Whites can get welfare in the US, ONLY if they have a Jew hook up like Danny Tanner.
After arguing over who to buy drugs from, they buy from the Chinese, but can’t stop laughing at their slanted eyes! So, they start calling them chinks and making fun of their accents. The chinks not impressed vow to get a hit set out on Joey. Later that night, Jesse and Joey get caught having anal sex high as fuck in their car in a McDonald’s parking lot by the cops. Officer Tony Vlachos a rookie at the time with SFPD escorts them home in his cruiser and goes into their home. As the living room is a mess from the shit and piss and used needles Tony looks at the 2 pathetic sacks of shit hanging their heads. Tony says ” I can haul you into jail or you can pull your pants down and bend over!”. Joey and Jessie comply to take the ass sex over the jail time and set up a camcorder to record it for Danny when he gets home.
When Danny does get home drunk as fuck half naked at 4am. Danny squats and spreads his ass cheeks and farts shit and cum all over the glass coffee table. He then leads everyone upstairs to find Michael Moore tied up in his closet with a gab ball. “Fucking cool” Yells Dj in glee watching that fat fuck Michael Moore squeal like the pig he is. When Jessse whips out his dick to start stuffing Moores fat ass lards, DJ runs up with a chainsaw. The family takes turns raping and beating Moore. DJ even put on a rusty copper strap on dildo and fucked him till he bled. After they force Moore to lick the shit, piss, and jizz on the floor Joey picks up a lamp and breaks it over his fat fucking head. The family all started kicking and jumping on Moore like a trampoline (almost worrying about the weight limit on the floor) while Danny fired up the chain saw. They hacked Moore up for a few hours canning his body parts and cooking his fat ass cheeks as a roast. The family didn’t by groceries for a year. The end.
- The closing scene of this episode features Joey, Jesse, and Danny having a fudge pack train at a public pool. It was deleted as it was fucking gross as fuck.
- Jesse saying, “I live in Webster’s room” is a reference to the title character Pete Weber the impotent contestant on the show the Bachelor
- Jesse asking Danny if he has been “reading Cosby’s book” refers to the 1986 bestseller written by Bill Cosby called How to stick your dick in womens mouths when they are sleeping.
- The DVD contains a commentary by series creator and executive producer Pete Buttplug